This is taken from an article I contributed to in the Irish Independent
Journalist: Meg Walters
Fri 30 Jun 2023
Love it or hate it, Sex and the City was one of the first shows on TV that tackled the subtleties of contemporary sexism. In a quietly groundbreaking episode, the four friends discussed how their emotions in the workplace were not only quashed, but also used against them. It begins when Samantha, a PR, is fired for being “emotional” at work.
“‘Emotional’ is just code for “I don’t want to hire a woman,” Carrie, the writer, says. Adds lawyer Miranda, “They think you’re going to cry over a legal brief!” Charlotte, owner of an art gallery, chimes in with a story about how people have treated her differently ever since she cried at work once 10 years ago. “What does he think I’m going to do?” asks the exasperated Samantha, “get my period and ruin his empire?”
The episode may be 25 years old, but the discussion feels eerily contemporary. In fact, many women still feel there is a very present stigma attached to being emotional at work.
Claire McGowan, originally from Northern Ireland, author of new book Let Me In and a Senior Lecturer at City University London, has always been hyper aware of becoming emotional at work. “If I got emotional in a professional situation, I would feel incredibly embarrassed,” she says. “I would feel like they’d think I was immature, so I would do my best not to cry and to shut down my emotions. I do think there is a gender divide and I’d worry about seeming unstable.”
Why would being emotional equate to being unstable? “I think some men are extremely uncomfortable with women crying, and will become uncomfortable or even vicious to get you to stop,” she tells us.
Like Charlotte in Sex and the City, Claire has experienced the stigma around crying at work firsthand. “I’ve cried so much in two separate jobs that I had to be sent home,” she says. “Both times were with female managers who were quite understanding, but I felt terribly embarrassed and it affected my standing in the office and job.” As Claire’s story suggests, it’s not only men who fear workplace emotion — some women, as understanding as they might be, judge other women for their displays of emotion, too.
Laoise*, a 27-year-old actor and office temp, like Claire, has learned to avoid becoming emotional in the office through experience. “I will sort of retreat within myself or I’ll remove myself physically from the situation,” she says. “And that definitely comes from a fear of being judged — especially as a woman.”
She believes her fear of judgment stems from a long-standing cultural stereotype. “There has been so little written about powerful, creative, talented women and how they work — and on the other hand, there has been so much written about the weakness of women — and I think those ideas are still extremely prominent in today’s society. Women carry that stereotype with them.”
Ciara Spillane, a career and wellbeing coach based in Dublin, explains that both women and men experience a full range of emotions at work. “While there is sometimes a view that females are overly emotional at work, this is totally unwarranted as numerous studies have demonstrated that this is not the case,” she tells us. “When we look at all emotions including anger, frustration and sorrow, males and females display these emotions equally.”
However, when women and men show the same emotions at work, they are often treated differently. There is a stereotype, she says, that women’s emotions hinder their professional performance.
In women, an emotional display might be seen as a weakness, while in men, it is seen as a strength. “When Hillary Clinton ran for President of the United States, people doubted whether women were emotionally stable enough to be President,” notes Spillane. “However, with Donald Trump, who openly displays anger, jealousy, and rage, it was not seen as an issue whether he could regulate his emotions in the role.”
Because the stereotype still exists and still has very real consequences, women fear showing any emotion whatsoever in professional settings. They retreat, remove themselves, or, if they do show emotion, they might even risk being sent home. Claire and Laoise are prime examples.
So, is there a solution? Ideally, a seismic change in workplace culture is needed to remove the patriarchal stigma around women’s emotion. “We should be able to bring our authentic selves to work, and sometimes that means showing our sensitive side or being able to discuss what is happening in our lives,” Spillane says. “As long as it does not interfere with how we do our job long-term, then it should be embraced.”
In fact, when we repress our emotions at work, we increase the risk of burnout. In other words, it’s not just bad for us, it’s actually bad for the companies we work for, too.
“If we could express our concerns, and speak about how stress affects us, it could help us. By bottling it up, people reach the burnout stage.”
“Currently, there is an energy crisis at work, where people are feeling more burnt out and stressed than before,” says Spillane. “If we could express our concerns, and speak about how stress affects us, it could help us. By bottling it up, people reach the burnout stage.”
As a temp, Laoise has had the opportunity to compare a vast number of different managerial approaches to workplace emotion. While some have made her feel ashamed of her emotions, she has also experienced the benefits of feeling free to be emotional at work.
“In some situations I feel the need to withdraw emotionally, but in other situations I actually feel empowered by my emotion,” she says. “In some workplaces, I’ve been given the space to feel safe and to explain myself in a way that feels accepted, and my emotions aren’t seen as something that is weak about me, but quite the opposite.”
Spillane agrees that it’s high time workplaces began to embrace emotion in the workplace.
“There is a benefit for managers in allowing people to show emotion at work,” she says. “Research has shown that psychologically safe workplaces where people feel free to express emotions and be their authentic selves are more productive and have better staff retention rates.”
While a safe workspace is ideal, it isn’t always the reality. So, how can women begin to own their emotions at work, even when the workplace isn’t receptive?
“I believe they should embrace their emotions and not apologise or see them as a weakness,” Spillane recommends. “For instance, if someone cries when they are disappointed by a performance review, this could be reframed as being so passionate about the work, that they felt deeply disappointed by the rating. By acknowledging your emotions, you are also showing that you have control over them.”
Of course, Spillane notes, if you find yourself constantly feeling emotional highs and lows at work that feel out of the ordinary for you, you may wish to speak to a professional “who can help you understand and work through those emotions”.
While having a full-on weekly meltdown in the middle of the office may not be appropriate (or particularly healthy), showing some emotion at work shouldn’t be something we fear as women. We spend 40 hours a week or more at work. It’s inevitable, regardless of our gender, that we will go through emotional highs and lows while we’re there. As Laoise put it: “We’re not robots, we’re human beings.” So maybe it’s time we stopped punishing women for being human at work and started celebrating them instead.
*Name has been changed
